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Tom Coburn is a Big Fat Jerk


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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Grudges

When I was younger, I could hold a grudge with the best of them. I never forgot. Never.

And I still never forget. But I've come to realize my own judgment is far from infallible, besides which who am I? So I may never forget, but I've moved from a point of complete certainty to one of fool me once, shame on you ...

These days, I'm simply more careful about who I trust. Although in general, I do really pretty much like most everyone. Well, okay, a lot of people. I just don't show too many of them the refrigerator. And nobody gets money.

And things have never meant a lot to me. Oh sure, I love my place and I have certain "things" which I really, really, really like. But for the most part, things come and things go and I've never been one to keep count. I have more important things to worry about.

Although sometimes I wish I did. Sometimes I've wished I was one of those people who have a complete apoplectic fit because the coffee cups are out of order. But I'm not.

I remember once when I was about 20 or 21 walking through the Mission District of San Francisco with a friend. A homeless woman stood on the corner and I said to my friend that's what we'll be someday. My friend said oh you're crazy, that's silly. But I really believed it at the time. And it isn't that I've lived my life in lowered expectations or that I come from some kind of horribly deprived circumstances. It's that I've always known that some how some way, they'll be here to take it all away and there will be nothing anyone can do about it. So I'd better learn to put my attachments where they really count. Which means not things.

Things are things. Things aren't people - they're things. And it's been peculiar to me to watch the world come to the place that I was when I was walking down the street with my friend --- the new reality for all of us that we're all this close to homelessness now. We're all two paychecks --- or is that three? --- from the streets. All of us.

So a week ago, I got an email from someone from my past. Just a checkup to see if this was still my email address. And at first I was glad --- it was someone I haven't seen in years. But then I remembered with a panic this is the book person --- they think they loaned me a book and they want me to give them back the book.

But I don't have the book. I don't think I ever had the book. And it's been how many years?

Then I chastised myself --- oh, Cookie, stop it! Surely they're not going to email you back asking you to give them back the book that you don't even have, especially since it's been what, five years? Six years now? Please.

So I decided to be optimistic about them and, rather than act like it wasn't my email and I'm nowhere to be found anywhere, I emailed them back and said yes, it's still my email, how are you?

And promptly forgot about it.

Then today, I got home and, after shamelessly haranguing the critters, I checked my email. And tucked in the middle of all the forwarded jokes and important messages about your account and I can't come to class today and my mother wants you to call her and did you know there's rain headed your way and whatnot messages, I see the subject line:

BOOK

They were emailing me to ask me where the book was.

This has been going on five-six years now.

I stared at disbelief at the email. If I were a drinking woman, I would have broken out the whiskey. But instead, I busted into my piggy bank, went online to Abe Books and just ordered them a new copy of this book they're so certain I have, to be sent directly to them.

And maybe that will shut them up. Or something.

And yes, it's annoying. And yes I spent some time afterward banging my head against the wall --- five, six years ago? I'm not even the same person I was five years ago. There is almost no resemblance between my life now and my life five years ago.

How can someone waste precious brain space on something like this?

And what in the world makes them so angry with me that they're so certain I have this book --- which I don't have --- and why in the world are they so certain that I am so evil that I would purpose withhold this book from them if I DID have it?

Whatever. It's a sad statement, I know, but there are some people like this. But it makes me very, very glad I know that a thing is a thing. And there is no thing on earth worth this kind of a waste of time and energy. Not a one.

3 Comments:

At 5:43 PM, Blogger M.T. Daffenberg said...

Who are you, Bhudda Jr.?

Personally, especially regarding books, I always like to pass things around. If I really like a book, I will heartily give it to someone with the hopes that they'll read it and pass it to someone else. We're all one community, right?

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger mooncatcher said...

yeah some could be mightily stubborn bout things..
comes out of their "obsessive-compulsive" nature perhaps??!!??
but just for argument sake..
ru sure u haven't got the book?? (",)

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger Cookie said...

LOL!!!

I have so much stuff traveling around, I don't even know where any of it is. I'm kind of the opposite of a hoarder, although i really do have a lot of stuff - it's just that - well, I don't know. It doesn't matter that much to me.

Now my fencing when I get it --- that's different. That's not stuff - that's fencing!

 

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